Time to be cheerful again

Éloïse has been using the potty for about 3 weeks now, when we're home. We went out to dinner at friends' on Friday night and forgot the potty there. She's been very very good at using the toilet since Saturday morning. I'm so proud of her!!

Feeling emotionally numb and drained...

Got a letter in the mail this morning, forwarded by my mum. It's a letter from the hospital in France. Poor silly old me thought is was the autopsy results and I psyched myself up before opening said letter. Needn't have really!! Turns out it wasn't the autopsy results, just a letter letting me know that it would take a minimum of 4 months after the birth (so only 2 to go then...) but up to 8 months to get the totality of the results if my child had brain damage, which was the case. So it's nice of them to keep me/us in the know. But a bit hard to go to any appointment with the specialist over there, ain't it! They even give us a number to ring to get an appointment, which, they said, would be 3 or 4 months away at the earliest but that we can make one to go talk to someone about partial results (we don't even have yet).
Just feeling empty now.

This morning DH suggested that we not tell my mum when I next get pregnant to give her a surprise when she comes over for my birthday in September. I felt like the new Tui ad! Why would I hold info that important from a person who is so important to me??? I mean, Hello!!!!???
I guess men don't have that kind of sensitivity. I miss my mum so much and she's so far away.

Got the childish/equity "discussion" with DH this morning again. Funny he keeps thinking he can't say anything to me in a sarcastic way whereas in his view I can to him. I feel the same but the other way around... He called it retaliation and equity.

Don't make me laugh!! There's no equity here, there's him feeling superior and important and putting me down and telling me off and telling me I'm acting like a 12 year old and telling me to grow up. I swear, he'll still be telling me to grow up when I'm 80!
I feel like a single mother sometimes, living with a very demanding flatmate. Or was that single mum slash housekeeper? This morning he asked if I thought that I find time in my busy day (hello sarcasm, hear me cringe) to wipe the mold on the windows. Which I haven't done. And then he emails me telling me he'll be home 7-ish cos he's going to some production at school, which apparently DD might enjoy (or so said a friend of mine) but we weren't invited. You don't invite your housekeeper to work functions.

Yes, I'm feeling down today. And it's only going to get worse. Guess who's going tramping all week end!! Ah the life of a single man... Must be freeing!

Ok, I'll sign off now cos I'm taking myself deeper in the pits...

Here comes the rain again..

The washing is piling up and the weather is foul. What's a girl to do?
Start with the important stuff, like DD's nappies!! Then move on to DH's work clothes. Or should that read FH.. He's been a jerk recently. I feel like a single mum with a flatmate or the hired help or the housekeeper/cook/cleaner/maid/nanny. I don't mind doing the dishes/cleaning/cooking/washing etc really, but the attitude I get is not on. He acts like I owe it to him. Just because he's out there getting paid for the work he does (and I'm not). He comes home and never gets out of teacher mode. I've given up hope of him saying to himself, oh, it's 7pm and DD is having her tea, I'll go run the bath so she can go to bed soon.
Nooooo! It's all left to me to do the cooking for us while giving DD her dinner and bath and get her to bed, while he waits for his dinner to magically appear on the table. Grr!!
It's very very windy today and raining. We painted the lounge on the week end and I got growled at that apart from the washing and a bit of dishes I don't do much around the house. Felt like leaving to his paint and ladder and walking away. But good wife that I am, I made dinner instead.
Can't wait to see the counsellor on Friday.

Sleep... What's that?

Listening to INXS while DD is having lunch and watching Blue's Clues. It's been a really slow morning because of the night I've had.
Went to bed at 10pm and grabbed Good Husband Material by Trisha Ashley and started reading while DH was looking at boats on TradeMe.
390 pages later, it was 5 o'clock in the morning and I decided to sleep a bit, mostly cos I didn't want DH to wake up at 6.30am to go to work and find me still reading!!!! Needless to say I got back straight into my book as soon as he left and I had fixed breakfast for DD.
I couldn't put it down last night anymore than I could put it down this morning. It's that good. I was in fits of giggles last night, so glad the shaking of the bed didn't wake DH! :D

It's the third book by Trisha I've read and the other two had me in fits too, and quite late in the night but I hadn't read that late for a long time (I once finished a book at 7.30am Hornet's Nest by Patricia Cornwell). Sure enough I was shattered this morning when I made my first cup of tea. I actually felt like fainting with exhaustion. But 2 cuppas with sugar soon took care of that! And Girl Guide biscuits..

My tattoo is looking really good, all the scabs have fallen off. Yay!
Right, gonna go have lunch now and then I'll think I'll have a nap while DD has hers!!
Cos it's hard to function properly on 1h30 sleep.. :S

On Guilt

On Friday last week I was ready to throttle my child, which is never good. I needed a break. Especially when DH rang at 4pm saying, I'll be home in 5 to get changed, going to the pub for a drink with the boys...

:me fuming:

So he came home and got changed and left. I was simmering and decided to go out to my friend's, with DD in tow. So I made DH some dinner for when he got home and was getting a nappy ready when he came back. Before I had left. :( Before I could say anything, he said to me (probably having seen only one plate on the bench and hearing I had my shoes on), Aren't you going out?
Floored me before I had a chance to say anything like, I've had enough of DD, I need a break, I'll be back later..

So I walked out of the house, without my phone, without saying good bye to my girl and went over to my friend's - cos no one else could meet me in town for an hour or two. Pathetic, I know. But it goes to show how all the people I know have lives! and I don't. Not really.
I stayed at my friend's for 2 hours and guilt bloody well nearly ate me alive!! I felt so stink I hadn't said good bye to my girl. And then worried her dad was going to put her to bed in her room and close the door and let her scream until she was asleep. Not that he would, but since he talked about it when I was in France 3 months ago, I was freaking out.
I don't know which is worse of grief or guilt, but they both eat you alive!!
I came home and DD was in bed and DH was reading her a story. He said she'd cried for a solid hour after I'd left. Great. That really helped the guilt!!

So, like the T Rex says in Toy Story, "great, now I have guilt"

:P

Just when you think you're doing fine....

it hits you like a ton of bricks..
Took DD to music and lo and behold, one of the ladies who was pregnant last week had had her baby. Tiny thing in the capsule. One look and I had a river flowing down my face. So I looked out the window and no one noticed. It's so hard sometimes. I was supposed to be pregnant. I was supposed to be about 34 weeks - I think, calendar is in the kitchen and I'm in the bedroom - what difference does it make anyways, I was due sometime in December so there you go..
It's not fair that I had to lose my baby. Except I didn't lose her, did I? I know exactly where she is. She's in the little marble urn on my bookcase in the lounge instead of being in my tummy, growing.
Life sucks. And some people told me, you know, God has a plan.. Yeah right! well, if their god's plan was to make me go to church and believe by taking my baby, that plan backfired. Let them bring their god in front of me and he'll feel the strength of my wrath!!
I was a good girl and took my folic acid and stuff. You'd think that would have made a difference.
And now I'm on the TTC wagon. Again. To finally get the baby I so want.
OMG so much gloom and doom and the sun is out again!! Kinda.

Anyways, had baby, lost baby, cried, feel fine, see NB baby, fall apart.
Need to put DD to bed now.

Still here..

I should get DD ready to go to Mainly Music cos it's at 10am and it's 9.30am already. Too tired. Too cold. I guess today is not a very good day (probably because of the weather!!)

It's Thursday and it's cold and grey

Well, this is me. Never thought I'd get one of those, blog i mean. But maybe it's what i need.. I spend so much time on this computer (too much time according to DH), why not make it a diary as well!!